$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Are Computers Male or Female?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., " Steady as she goes " or "She's listing to starboard, Captain !")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons
for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons
follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places
the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man
has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back
tomorrow like everyone else does."
I'll take ten of those, please !!!!!!!!!!
A young men came to the counter at which Chirstmas cards were sold and asked the salesgirl behide it:
" Have you got anything sentimental?"
" Here's a lovely one," replied the salesgirl. " To The Only Girl I Ever Loved"
" That's fine. I'll take six - oh no - ten of those, please"
How innocent she is !!!!!!
Four-years-old Anna took a pen, a blank paper and drew something on it.
Then she came to her parents to show them her work. Taking a look at her
painting, they got very angry and their faces turned red like a tomato. Her
mother slapped brutely in her face. Her father asked her furiously:
- Tell me, Anna, where did you see this? Tell me, quick, right now.
- I.. I didn't do anything wrong... I saw it in...... mamy's sawing box.
- Non-sence. You liar. What is it?
- It's... it's.... it's... only a pair of scissors.
If you do not understand the story, pls feel free to ask me. I'll be happy
to send you the version in Vietnamese. It would be easier to understand.
A man from a small town was visiting the city . After asking directions from several persons with negative results , he spotted a policeman directing traffic at an intersection . Watching traffic carefully , he finally dashed between the passing cars to where the policeman stood .
Almost out of breath he said , "Can you please tell me how to get to city memorial hospital ?"
" That's easy," the policeman said ." You stand right where you are for about five minutes and an ambulance will be along to take you there
The judge was talking to the woman who wanted a divorce " You say in your complaint that you want to divorce your husband on ground of poor health . Would you please explain what you mean "
" It's very simple , your honor . I got sick of having him around the house"
the cocacola ... country !
There was a young man who went to travel by plane . In the plane , he of-ten nodded sleepily . Each time he startled awake he always asked the next person :
- What country we are over ?
then he calmly continued to sleep . One time when he startled wake , he saw the stewardess bringing a tray of beverages for the passengers , he asked :
- Please tell me what is the " water"?
The stewardess replied happily :
How could you do that !!!!!
A man came to a doctor to examine his belly. The doctor asked:
- What did you eat and drink yesterday?
- Drank wine and ate nuts.
- How much did you drink and eat?
- Two bottle of wine and 108 pieces of nuts.
- Non sense. How could you do that? Did you count exact number of nuts you ate when you were drinking?
- What else could I do when my wife was talking all the time
Two young men were boasting about living long in their home village. One said:
- In my village a man in age of 90 can be punished by his father because of his being unrespectful to his grand-father.
The other said:
- In my village a girl in age of 80 is not allowed to get married because she is under age.
Twice in the right
Twice in the right.
The village headman was known for his peculiar sense of justice.
Oen day Cai and Ngo had a fist and the affair was brought to his notice . A cautious man , Cai took care to offer the official a bribe of five coins .He didn't know that his rival had presened the man in authority with double that amount .
The headman handed down his sentense :
Cai , you his Ngo .It's an assault and battery . You'll receive ten lashes".
Cai was sure that the official had forgotten about his present .To remind him of it , he opend his hand in a gesture that showed his five fingers and said :
"Sir , please remember the facts. I was in the right".
Imperturbed, the headman opened both his hands, and with his ten fingers in full view of both parties, tersely answerd:
"Yes , I know. But Ngo was twice as right ."
Funny 1: teacher & pupil
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself
Funny 2: In the bank
A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
"Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.
The young woman opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me alright."
Do not get maried with these four kinds of girl
There are four kinds of women you should not get married with:
- Air stewardess: because she always prefers uper position, you man must be under her everytime.
- Teacher: she always thinks you are doing a wrong way, and repeatedly asks you to "do it again, do it again".
- Nurses: whenever she meets you, she commands "take off your pants" (for injection).
- Bus girl (who sell bus ticket on the car): with any man, she says: "come in, come in, please".
Just for Joke 64
A lady driver was breaking just about every rule of the road,
and made a turn from the wrong lane into the wrong street. A policeman
whistled at her. She refused to stop. The policeman finally caught up
with her and asked, "Didn't you hear me whistle?"
The lady driver said, "When I'm driving, I don't flirt!"
Some symptoms to detect that you're an email junkie:
1) You wake up at 03:00 at night to go to bathroom and on the way back to bed you go and see whether you get a new email !
2) You have a tattoo made, with the inscription "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 2.0 or higher" !
3) You name your children as Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom !
4) You switch off your MODEM with the feeling that the world would break down in the next moment !
5) You decide to study one or two more years on account of getting a free internet access !
6) You begin to use smileys in your normal letter too !
7) You have a bad feeling because you haven't logged in for two hours !
8) You catch yourself writing "com" after every dot of a sentence !
9) You begin to introduce yourself as "Pete Gordon at AOL dot com" !
10) All of your friends have a @ in their names !
11) You don't know how you can reach your Mum because she doesn't have a MODEM !
12) You don't know any longer what gender your three best friends are... because they all have neutral alias names !
13) You tell the taxi driver that you are living in http://newstreet/houseNumber.11/NewYork.html !
14) You check your email box and get : "no new messages on server" ... you can't believe it and click on the "get mail" button again !
15) Every time you smile you bow your head 90 degree to a side ! ;-)
THINGS TO SAY IN THE BATHROOM STALL TO MAKE YOUR FELLOW STALLMATES LAUGH!! THIS IS REALLY FUNNY !!!
1.Stick yor palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toliet bowl from a high place, then Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of yourneighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down you "Cross- Dressors Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
Actual dialogue of an InTACT Customer Support Centre employee:
"InTACT Customer Support Centre,, this is XXX how may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word 6."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find theother cable."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...A power outage? Aha! Okay, I know the problem now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"